ROCKET SURGEON’S WARNING:
– HIGHLY SARCASTIC CONTENT
– CONSULT AN ASTROPHYSICIST BEFORE READING
– CONTENTS SHOULD NOT BE USED TO CREATE PSYCH PROFILES (i will find you)
— READ —
The only reason why it’s important to turn 30, is the fact that we have ten fingers.
Ten fingers give us the decimal system. If we had one less finger from each hand, I’d now be 36 (*1). If we had one more finger (*2), I’d turn 30 at an equivalent of 36 years in the decimal system. Weird. Weirder still, if we had somehow managed to survive with two stumps for hands -and no feet I assume, we’d be relying on the binary system in which case I’d be 11110.
I try to imagine what it would be like in a world where binary was the mainstream counting system. I wonder if that would have actually sped up the development of computers; you know, because we’d come to develop all the AND/OR gates sooner. I’m sure it would get really boring really fast to celebrate a “big” birthday every two years though.
But I digress.
Thank you all for all the birthday wishes. If all goes according to plan, this message will appear online publicly at 2011-02-03 23:59+02:00 and hence become a part of history.
Anyway, what I’m trying to get to is that, if you still haven’t wished me a happy birthday, I’m sorry..
You had a window of opportunity, where you could have become a part of something monumental. Something that you could tell your grandchildren about while they mocked the way you walk behind your back.
If you are one of these people, I forgive you. But god never will.. This day will eat at your conscience for the rest of your life.. Some of you can thank your inability to decode timezones (*3) to calculate for that, BUT I DON’T CARE!
For all practical purposes, you are dead to me.
For all theoretical purposes, I’ve killed you.
For all rhetorical purposes, “didn’t I just kill you?”
For all realistic purposes, of course I’m joking..
(hey, it made me laugh..)
(really? serious? we’re doing this for real now? ok, if I say so..)
I love you all.
Statistically speaking, I can safely assume I’ve forgotten at least one of your birthdays. And I will most probably miss one in the future as well. I hope you are this full of love when I do.
[PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT]
If we come to those who did congratulate me.. WOW.. well done you guys.. I love you all so much more that those other guys.. but don’t tell them.. It will be our secret.
But OMG I got over 70 posts on my Facebook wall? I feel so popular. Regardless of the fact that I haven’t spoken to that many people in real life in the past week; or past month, if you don’t count cab drivers and the awkward nods you give people when you can’t remember their name.
Like I said, regardless..
Here I am, ready/willing to abuse the once a year attention boost Facebook gives me. (Last year, I tried using it for a job hunt.. it didn’t help. true story.)
If we haven’t talked in a long time and you feel upset about it, please write about your emotions on a sandpaper with your bare finger -in blood of course. And mail it to the attention of Garry Busey, somewhere in the USA. Your feelings are important to me and Garry.
(You see what I did there? just blatantly threw myself back at sarcasm, that’s how I roll.. defensive mechanism you say? I’ll see you try to prove that in court..)
Anyway.. I haven’t written anything this long and coherent (hey, this is as coherent as it gets for me) in a long time.. and I can’t believe that I had the attention span to do it in a single sitting. (Mr. Howard, eat your heart out.)
Atta boy me.. Turnin’ 11110 and bein’ all serious n’ shit..
— STOP — DON’T — READ — AGAIN —